Green, Yellow and Red

Green, Yellow and Red may be the colours of the autumn streets this week as the trees shed what is left of their pigmentation and fade to brown as the temperature drops (6 today).

They are also the colour of kiwifruit, New Zealand’s most famous Chinese icon. The news that cross-pollination has produced a red zespri has taken the farming world by storm. Peppers come in green, yellow and red so why not kiwifruit? The new smaller kiwifruit tastes like a sweet version of the tamarillo, which has virtually cornered the Kiwi market in red fruit for a century. Blood oranges are divine, but blood Kiwis sound divine too.

Talking about Kiwiana that originated in Asia, Amanda Howell’s famous jandal fence is getting more and more participants as wayfarers discard their Japanese Sandals and string them up on her Foxton fence.

The Jandal Queen

U R dmb

Human behaviour does not change much from the primary school playground to the political round table. Bullying, name-calling and sending messages are behaviours common to both spheres. Some guys just do not grow up.

The day’s Auckland story about battling mayors jostling for position during the current supercity debate is tear-inducing. The fact that their text messages to each other, complete with spelling errors and name-calling, have been published shows that the sticks-and-stones of the playground are still there in these primal egos even as they battle it out in the political slayground.

The difference is that nowadays we can judge people from their communications. There are no secrets. Secret communications, those you make when you think no-one is looking or cares, become public data.

It seems right-wing Auckland mayor John Banks, who smiled at the gullible people of Auckland and got voted back in despite having been deposed some years before, pressed the wrong button and sent a text to his much-loathed rival, North Shore mayor Andrew Williams. The text referred to “this lunitic”. I imagine Banks in an angry shaking fit pressing buttons furiously, not heeding the spelling and groping through his list of contacts looking for his co-rightist pal Aaron Bhatnagar. File under ‘A’. By christian name. Very primary school.

Meanwhile texts from others in the debate, including would-be peacemaking Waitakere Mayor Bob Harvey and soon-to-be-redundant ARC Chairman Mike Lee make them all look like a bunch of kids. Lee speaks of a group of powerful business men (who have overtones, vague non-altruistic ones, of philanthropy) invited (for politically expedient reasons known to Harvey) to a summit as “amateurs” and their thinking as “hair-brained”, although many of them are balding. Lee is erstwhile a sensible fellow, but texting, the lowest medium of them all, reduces everyone to the lowest common denominator.

We have netiquette online and there are pragmatic rules of politeness governing every other medium of personal communication. Many people have suffered from hastiness in sending an angry off-the-cuff email, including most politicos. It seems that the power of Telecoms has seen to it that there are no such rules for txting. It seems they, or someone whistleblower, are also willing to release txts to the media. The basic primal schoolkid instinct that characterises all people with a gadget in their hand emerges.

The media can now use emails, twit-twitterings, youtubings and facebook scribings as data in journalism. Now they have access to private txts from people in the public eye. We might at last be able to make political judgments based on these guys’ real behaviours and not the false rhetoric of public politics.

See this story here: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10566362&pnum=2, and below is what they want us to see and who they really are.

Murder on the block

One of the reasons for leaving New Zealand last year was the massive increase in violence on the roads in the form of aggressive driving, tailgating, abusive drivers, extremely loud boom-boom driving and violence against pedestrian and cyclist traffic. This is the nation where the problem is so severe that they are seriously taking about introducing car-crushing boy racer legislation (See: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10565577). Today we learn that there was an effective murder by road-rage on my old block outside my old places of work.

It transpires that a 78-year-old Te Atatu grandfather was violently beaten following a minor crash on Carrington Rd, the artery of the former Rt Hon. Helen Clark’s Mt Albert, at about 7.50 am on April 6. He subsequently died. “Police have now launched a homicide inquiry.”

Crossing this road was always like running the gauntlet due to violent driving; so much so that a 40 kmh school zone was installed in 2008. Mothers in armoured SUV dropping off kids at school hours and Unitec students late for lectures contributed to the war zone feel of the strip. The fact that children walk along this street on their way to school made little difference to driver behaviour, except at rush hour when it was so bumper to bumper, it was to be avoided. Forget stranger danger; the danger is black and on wheels.

A 27-year-old student from the Pacific Islands in a black BMW responded aggressively after a minor altercation with the other drivers’ Nissan van. And kids from the local primary school were witnesses. “There was just a lot of blood. His eyes were closed, he was just breathing heavily.” See http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10565868.

The equivalent of this in Melbourne today was a case of train rage. A passenger who abused a train driver at Flinders Street Station, probably after yet another delayed train, was left with a broken nose and fractured jaw (http://www.theage.com.au/national/train-driver-in-brawl-with-passenger-20090408-a0pl.html). Train delays/ cancellations occur increasingly often these days, though in general the delays are still minor compared to those I experienced in Auckland. Yesterday even an Auckland Regional Council chief was delayed on a train for 2 hours in one such delay (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10565613).

Easter roads remain obsessive on both sides of the Tasman. In Victoria, a heavy police presence on the roads over Easter will focus on driver fatigue during the heavy traffic long weekend: “the clear killers are speed, alcohol, fatigue, mobile phones and safety belts, so they’ll be our focus.” (http://www.theage.com.au/national/police-urge-drivers-to-rest-refresh-over-easter-20090407-9zmj.html). Well, strictly speaking safety belts are the opposite of killers, but then these guys are Aussies.

In Auckland, meanwhile, the regular Easter heavy traffic warning was issued (q.v. http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10565893) – despite the costly Puhoi toll road which was supposed to obviate such warnings but has only resulted in massive queues. Will these people never, never learn? Ho hum. I still get riled though I’m far. Close to home, but far.

Baaa

The running of the sheep is the Kiwi equivalent of Spain’s running of the bulls and it is an annual event in the small, ovine-oriented North Island town of Te Kuiti on April 3.

This year, however, was slightly disastrous. Only 400 of the nearly 1500 sheep let loose kept to the planned route and crossed a finish line helped by Prime Minister/ Stand-up comedian John Key, saddened by being shut out of major world events and relegated to the role of sheepdog. Get in behind.

According to the Herald, “one woman was taken to hospital after being knocked unconscious when she was bowled over by a sheep”. This is the sort of sentence that launches a thousand sheep jokes in Australia.

See: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10565329

Tribute to Manu

I remember as a small child the image of the family portrayed through the rather eclectic range of toys on PlaySchool on TV. Both English and Kiwi PlaySchool has a Big and Little Ted and a Humpty. I recall Little Ted’s was decapitated in an explosion on the last day of filming after 15 years of service. English Playschool certainly had Jemima a gangly rag doll, an image of girlish awkwardness, and the Kiwi one replicated her. What I recall most about the Kiwi one is Manu, the Maori doll, and learning about diversity and tokenism from a very early age.

There is, it seems, no Manu on New Zealand’s Top Model, tabloid pulp for the Barbily-inclined. There is, it seems still tokenism afoot, in the form of a slender, warrior-like Sudanese woman, by far the beauty of the bunch, a figure out of a Leni Riefenstahl photoshoot on the Nuba.

This has become a media issue in New Zealand, where the appearance of diversity is a matter of cultural safety. Miss New Zealand 1962, Rotorua District councillor Maureen Waaka, who is of Te Arawa and Tuwharetoa descent, argues that the 2009 Top Model contestants do not represent New Zealand’s diverse culture (See <a href=”http://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/news/article.cfm?c_id=1501119&objectid=10565124)”>. Where are the Pacific Islands models? Where is Grace Hobson? Where is Manu?

The presiding comment would be: why, choice of hair colour aside, do all of the Jolie-lite pouting white girls look exactly the same? Where, in beauty, is individuality? It, too, has become mass-packaged, like Barbie or Paris Hilton herself.

46.7% is a D

In education, 46.7% is a D, bordering on D+, which is a grade that is not allowed because it will be disputed.

In New Zealand policing, it is a success. This comes with the announcement that “Police were pleased that the national rate for solving crime was the best it has been in a decade, at 46.7 per cent” (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10564669). If I only did 46.7% of my job, I’d be fired. Would you?

We also learn that “there were 109 homicides last year, compared with 88 in 2007″, which explains the jolliness in the Kiwi news, but not the national obsession with blood, that is evident in the David Bain retrial and which Sam Neill commented on in Cinema of Unease, his now-classic dissection of the Kiwi psyche as portrayed in film.

The overall crime rate increase was 12.4%, which is greater than the amount the Kiwi dollar has decreased against the greenback. Well done, New Zealand.

A more detailed read is http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10563919. Francis Fukuyama, author of a new tome, The Great Disruption, shows that violent crime rose exponentially from the 1950s to the 1990s in 10 developed nations, including New Zealand, and fell only in Japan, where self-crime escalated. The blame lies in the shift from industry to the “information era” with male brute strength having no outlet. We might also look to lack of parenting skills and education, failures in the education system to deal with violent energies and to rechannel them, irrelevance of the curriculum, lower participation in sport, lower participation in faith-related activities, children’s lack of access to the outdoor world in a car-hungry, stranger-danger culture and the fact that there hasn’t been a proper war involving all testosterone producers since …

Many usual suspects, but what about solutions? At present in New Zealand the main one is: build more prisons. Other ideas: mini-apprenticeships for non academic teenagers; work experience programmes; military service; specialised boarding schooling; faith-based communitiy schools that emphasise familial relationships and respect; constructive curricula with emphasis on ‘making’ and hands-on activities, and, of course, redemption through rugger. “The II Much Trust runs rugby, league and touch rugby teams to bring young people together”.

Ten good things about living in Melbourne

Lists are de rigeur for blog sites, so here’s my list of 10 Things I Like about Melbourne:

1. Trams. Overcrowded, slow, sometimes not on time, but when you’re from Auckland and know the true horror of Stagecoach these points are minor. Trams still evoke times gone by, friendliness and Blanche Dubois. On weekdays I wait up to 6 minutes; on weekends up to 10. More often, waiting time is close to unnoticeable. Check me out on this in 3 years to see if it’s changed.
2. Formal Gardens. The highlight for me about Auckland’s Sky Tower was looking down onto the Victorian symmetry of Albert Park. In Melbourne we have the Fitzroy, Carlton, Flagstaff, Alexandra Gardens and the list goes on. And when they are green you can feel sheltered under the Victorian avenues of elms, oaks and other migrants.
3. Carless Walkways. The Southbank is all that the America’s Cup Village isn’t simply because Auckland can’t resist putting cars in pedestrian precincts. It’s a delightful Riverside promenade, though at 3am on Saturday mornings is probably full of hoons, as is America’s Cup. Melbourne’s main shopping drags are busy enough with just trams, but it works so much better than the mess of the redesigned Queen Street in Auckland.
4. Modern Houses. Give the Leaky Homes and gerry building to Auckland. Even new homes out of catalogues over here are made from sustainable materials, maximising aesthetics, and are based on classical models. You can build a Victorian mansion or a californian bungalow and no facade-watcher would even know it was new.
5. Jazz Clubs and Alleys. These come alive at night near La Trobe Street and Brunswick Street, Fitzroy. This blue note entertainment will boom with the coming Jazz Festival.
6. Hidden supermarkets. In Melbourne there is less evidence of the corporate colours and massive, gaudy signposts staking out the territory of a supermarket. You can find them quite by chance behind an old facade, modestly hiding, with only the same verandah sign as any other shop. They blend in rather than vulgarly declaring themselves like monkeys on heat.
7. Markets. Especially the organic and fruit sections. And the array of fresh fish. And the pastries. And …
8. Integrated ticketing. In one day, I pop my ticket into the tram, train and any bus, near of far. One price, one ticket, no need to negotiate with a driver or his accent. When I arrived in Auckland in 1991, integrated ticketing was promised. It is 2009 and they still have not managed to get it together, and a recent news story even said that it was, once more, under threat. A city frozen in a timewarp due to total lack of city vision.
9. Blue days like today. Autumn, not a cloud, stillness, grass in the parks, birds singing and squarking, distant crickets living out their final days, the clearness of autumn air, a promise of Easter.
10. Dan Murphy’s. Choose six bottles and qualify for a substantial discount. Great Kiwi whites, rich Yarra and Mornington reds. Get a bottle for as little as $2 for a clearskin, and they aren’t half bad. Dan Murphy’s logo does remind me of someone who only one or two of my readers will recognise, so this is a massive in-joke.

From the ovine to the ridiculous

I am not a clip poster, honest. This one is for all New Zealanders who know how talented sheep are. For one thing, they assist us with insomnia. Did you know they have a spot of Busby Berkeley about them too?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2FX9rviEhw

Poison or Paradise?

I had to laugh at the content of the blog http://fushnchups.co.nz/ which managed to score itself a major high blip in the blogosphere due to its exposure in Granny Herald. The content is so very stereotypically Ocker, and I’ve heard all of its sentiments for real since I’ve been in Australia. There is a sector who view New Zealand as the very small boy in tight pants and pat it on the head condescendingly. We see it too in the story about foul-mouthed Aussies sullying NewZild’s clean green image: “What the F*** are you waiting for??!! You should try it at least once!” (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10563525):

In Australia, the company has offended with its gaudy painted vans, painted with off-colour slogans, such as “If God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate”.

Kiwiphobia or Kiwi-bashing might be a national sport, but there’s an equal number who are Kiwiphilic. As a corrective tonic The Age newspaper published ‘The top five things to do in New Zealand’ by the wonderfully-named ‘Xavier La Canna’. (See it at
http://www.smh.com.au/travel/top-five-things-to-do-in-new-zealand-for-free-20090219-8ca8.html). The prose is purple and so wonderfully, touristically OTT you wonder who’s getting a commission:

Never heard of Kerosene Creek or Rangitoto? What about the Tongariro Crossing or the glow worm walk in Waitomo? Most of the gems are too enticing to be kept under raps (sic) forever, and backpackers have started sharing information about the places on websites.

We can overlook the obvious Aussieness of such a Freudian misspelling, can’t we?, and we can forgive the fact that 4/5 of the punchline are given away in the introduction. And I love the veiled ribbing in the following tally-ho, Newzild-parodying sentence: “New Zealanders love a good nature walk, or tramp, as they call it.”

For the fifth freebie place in Godzone, here’s a clue that only Kiwis will know: Where are Phar Lap’s skeleton, a piece of possum roadkill and the world’s largest squid?

Te Papa is a good place to gain some knowledge of New Zealand’s indigenous people too. The Mana Whenua exhibition explains the important relationship between Maori and their whenua (land).

Auntie Helen gets it

My former local Member of Parliament and the former Prime Minister of New Zealand, Helen Clark, is about to be named as head of the United Nations Development Programme (UNDP). The role

-is the third most senior role in the UN
-involves managing a $US5 billion budget, mostly spent on programmes in Africa
-is the highest international post held by a New Zealander since Mike Moore was Director-General of the World Trade Organisation
-has the support of Prime Minister John Key and what a parting gift
-will lead to a by-election in the Mt Albert electorate in which I’m enrolled.

Kiwis for Africa!

Just call me M'am